im a cat on a hot tin roof
im working, i swear i am( a whole 2 sentences!) but i just wanted to share with you the opening sentence on tennessee williams' memoir:
"to begin this "thing" on a socially impressive note, let me tell you that one recent fall, before the leaves had fallen, i happened to be weekending at one of the last great country houses in engliand, an estate so close to stonhenge that one of the stones was dropped on the lady's estate before it got to that prehistoric scene of druidical worship and, probably due to collapse or revolt of slave labor, it was not picked up but allowed to rest where it fell, and this bit of information has only the slightest and most oblique connection with the material which follows."
- posted by Caitlin @ 9:25 PM |

 
whats your price for flight
i really should be working on my english paper, but im too busy daydreaming about beloit and my prom dress and other exciting things to get anything done. sigh. guess whos gonna be up laaaate tomorrow writing this?
i got up really early this morning, because i couldnt sleep, so today has seemed really long, which makes it even sadder that i havent done anything. i painted tiles with ayesha. but that seriously the only constructive thing ive done. ive watched a lot of tv. yeah, i kind of suck. and ive been reading the beloit admitted students forum, and its even nicer now that i know that im going, cause i know that ill get to know all these people(though they wont be in my class). beloit has such a community, it makes me really happy. and all the people seem really cool. im excited and happy and daydreaming about wonderful things.
- posted by Caitlin @ 8:39 PM |

 
i disappear
i just sent in my deposit to beloit and i have a prom dress and i am a very HAPPY PERSON!
- posted by Caitlin @ 12:28 PM |

 
its time for us as a people to start making some changes
i am so ineffective. i have been sitting here starring at my computer for two hours and have nothing of my english paper written. i had decided, and i mean really decided, where i was going to college, and i was so proud of myself, and then a thought occured to me and i was unsure again. i thought that i really knew that time!
so now im listening to the habitat cd and staring at the computer and daydreaming about being in mississippi next year. i really want to be there the whole year. anyone want to spend second semester next year in mississippi with me? im not even there yet but i know that once i am i wont want to leave in december. i know how i felt after a week of being there, and im pretty sure i wont want to travel or aget a job or anything im planning on doing once ive been there for a semester. please someone come and live with me!
- posted by Caitlin @ 9:10 PM |

 
yo, since the diabolical one couldnt be with us tonight
eee, i love that song so much
i think tomorrow after school i may go prom dress shopping again and see if i can try on that green dress at duckys. i was relieved to find out that it isnt the dress max thought was ugly, and then when we drove past duckys, i saw the dress he was talking about. it is indeed pretty ugly.
i found out today that ellie watches 'greys anatomy', too, which made me happy. we screamed for a while about sandra oh having sex with that one guy. turns out i really am the only one who didnt see it coming.
in activism club we talked about how much stud co sucks, and then about having a book drive for the coahoma county library/ sherard elementary school. im so excited! i hope we pull it off and get lots of books. mostly i just cant wait to go to mississippi. in lots of ways, of course, i really dont want to graduate, and want to stay in my nice uni world forever, but in other ways i just feel so useless now.
i really should be working on my paper now so that i dont have to do it all over the weekend, because i want to be able to do other stuff this weekend that dont involve work.
- posted by Caitlin @ 6:02 PM |

 
smite him!
today after school me and alison went prom shopping with little success. first we went to M2 which was really intimidating. the dresses were really expensive and for the most part not the kind i like, so we left really fast. then we went to le shoppe, and i saw this sort of nice dress in the window, but it reminded me a lot of a wedding dress- in fact, it might have been a wedding dress. anyway, i didnt try it on, but perhaps i will later. then we walked in the door of ducky's and immediatly walked back out, because i was intimidated. im no good at these expensive stores. but i saw this pretty dress in the window, so perhaps i should go back and ask to try it on. but it was completely backless and a color green im not sure i like. but it was pretty.
anyway, those are my prom stories. notice that i didnt try anythign on- perhaps this is why i dont have a dress.
im off to work some more. im trying to finish beloved but still in the second book.damn.
- posted by Caitlin @ 8:45 PM |

 
i know its late in the game...
here are my answers to cordelia's questions. if you would like for me to ask you questions, post a comment and ask me to, although its a little more unwieldy with a blog.


1. if you could hang out with one musician for a day, who would it be, and what would you guys do?
um, this is hard, but im gonna say bob marley. he'd show me around jamaica, because ive always wanted to go, but hate being a tourist.

2. what's your favorite film sequence?
in "A Band of Outsiders", theres a sequence where the three main charecters sit at a cafe and decide to have a minute of silence, just to see if they can do it. all the sound in the movie cuts out entirely, for about 30 seconds, untill they give up. then they decide to dance, and they get up and dance the madison, which is a really cool dance, and the music they're dancing to periodically stops( for the viewer, not for the charecters- and you can still here other background noises) and the narrator tells you whats going through the charecters heads, like "odiele is wondering if the boys notice her breasts moving beneath her sweater"

3. what's your ideal tracklist for driving to some event/some place that once you leave will have changed your whole life?
"welcome to the dirty dirty", our habitat CD, to remind me of how i want my life to be changed, and why. the track list goes as follows:
1)nobody knows- nelly
2)locked up- akon
3)shinign through- fredro starr
4)some how some way- jay-z
5)heaven help us all- ray charles
6)changes- tupac
7)baby mam- fantasia
8)juicy- notorious b.i.g.
9)ghetto- akon
10)where is the love- black eyed peas
11)cadillac on 22's- david banner
12)what would you do- city high
13)thug holiday- trick daddy
14)i need you to survive- hezekiah walker and the love fellowship
15) hope- twista

4. what is that one thing that makes you happy no matter what's going on when you do it?
hanging out with my friends. i know this sounds completely unoriginal, but it's true. bonus points if it's outside or late at night.

5. do you have any guilty pleasures/bad habits?
"americas next top model" and cheesy shows on vh1 like "100 hottest celebrities"
- posted by Caitlin @ 6:38 PM |

 
my feelings, my true feelings, havent changed
music to add to my ipod, asap:
the big chill soundtrack
that cranberries song
the DP cd
the QT collection
yoshimi battles the pink robots
hey ya
i believe in a thing called love(thats what tha song's called, right?)
mos def (i have never heard him, but i like him as an actor, and i like his name, and i hear his music is quite good as well)
more beatles
what a difference a day makes

thats all i can think of for now. this list is mostly for my benifit, so i dont forget anything.
- posted by Caitlin @ 10:08 PM |

 
dude, come quick- there's pictures!
oh, i am so happy! if it werent for my impending graduation, i would be, well, more happy. but im quite happy as is. im singing along to songs that i have no voice to sing with.
im looking forward to prom, and we have dinner plans, yay, and i have a prospective dress, which is good, and its CHEAP( batia, if i got a cheap dress, maybe i could buy one of those beautiful bags at rebeccas that we saw- that would be so happy). i spent all weekend shopping, and it turns out that i am a stupid prom dress shopper. i tried on one with a butt in the fornt- really. but anyway, i have a dress that i might wear just sitting for me at marekesh. i hope it gets warm soon.
anyway, im nto doing too much in the way of homework anymore, but oh well. im about to graduate, who cares.
:) im in a good mood
- posted by Caitlin @ 6:19 PM |

 
save the world! now!
my fortune cookie says "you wont be bored for long! new adventures are on their way [in bed]"
yesterday me and hannah and alison and max went to 'rainbow gardens' after school for lunch, and then to pages to read the sex books. it was fun.
i went to see 'the saddest music in the world' at ebertfest, and 'after dark my sweet', and today im going to see more! i really like ebertfest. but there was about an hour and a half between 'saddest music in the world' and 'after dark my sweet', and it was raining and cold outside, and i didnt want to leave the theater because i knew that once i did they wouldnt let me back in again. so i sat in the theater for ages before i finally went out and got dinner.
anway, i have happy plans for today.
- posted by Caitlin @ 9:51 AM |

 
the future's so bright...
yay. today isat outside with hannah during 4th and it was so beautiful and wram, and i relaly want it to be like that tomorrow, because i plan on spending all of tomorrow outside. at least, the time where im not at ebertfest.
im excited about ebertfest starting today! yayayay.
i have homework to do tonight, but seeing as i left it at school, im not gonna worry about it.
in want my dad to finish 'extremely loud and incredibly close', or whatever that book is, soon, so i can read it. i read the first page and it was wonderful and im so excited about it. then im gonna read 'midngiht in the garden of good and evil'. thats the plan.
today in PE we played a gargantuan [i so rarely get a chance to use that word...] game of ultimate, and eric loui knocked me over and now im injured. seriously. the movement in my left leg has become seriously impared. i think i pulled the tendon that connect to my hip. you know that one? anyway, it hurts. but i have a pretty cool floor burn on my knee.
- posted by Caitlin @ 5:31 PM |

 
if i were the ing of the world, tell you what id do...
damn. i really, really need to be working on my english paper, but i just cant bring myself to do it. i went to yahoo to try and retrieve what i wrote already (tho i suspect it isnt there) and got distracted by an article about the new pope. what will i ever do? i also spent a really long time looking at prom dresses. and i have to read the wife of bath's prolouge, too. im terrible.
my family was also all laughing at me earlier cause i was singing to my ipod. loudly.
- posted by Caitlin @ 9:38 PM |

 
i wont harm you with words from my mouth
im listening to the habitat cd and trying to figure out what to do with myself. i want to wrtie poetry or draw or do something creative, and i want to be down in mississippi, and i want to be read. specifically 'midnight in the garden of good and evil', but mostly i just want to read. i wish i could turn into the person i want to be immediatly, without going through all of that growing stuff. there are some things where i dont know what i want to be, you know, but then there are some things i know i want and just cant seem to get.
im lonely, and one of the only reasons im looking forward to next year and college is because i know ill always have people to keep me company. i spend a lot of time a lone but i dont really like it. i want to go back to school because there are people there.(speaking of which, anyone want to go to an ebertfest movie with me thursday night?)

in other news: please reply to that email i sent out about my anthro project! i really need stuff to write about.
also: i am just about the only person without a prom dress yet. what will i do?
i was almost decided on where to go to college untill henry ruined it for me. now i dont know any more.
- posted by Caitlin @ 5:32 PM |

 
ah, i see you have a little swimming mouse. where is the willage?
damn. i just wasted a bunch of time trying (and failing) to print out a picture and i havent done any homework and my email doesnt work. did anyone get this message that i sent to the whole school?
in better news, beloit was nice and i went to see david sedaris tonight. he was great and read a bunch of stuff id never heard before. but then my mom wouldnt let us stay for the book signing. but i saw all sorts of people i knew, including batia and ben erickson.
also at beloit i saw nick. it was weird.
now im hungry and have lots of beloved reading to do, and have not worked on my english paper or my seminar paper. ah, im screwed. mr sutton will be so sad when i never turn this in... i havent worked on it since spring break and i feel terrible. tomorrow, i swear!
- posted by Caitlin @ 10:43 PM |

 
oh, take another little piece of my heart now baby
im in beloit and tomorrow im gonna go visit lots of classes. i brought my computer and all this other stuff because i thought i would do work, but ,ha, im not. me and mom watched greys anatomy and it was funny and sad. i dont know why i enjoy hospital shows so much, because i hate hospitals and medicine and anything that has to do with doctors, so they freak me out, but i unfortunatly always get attatched to doctor shows.
on the way up here and and my mom talked about mississippi and i played her the habitat cd and im really excited and i think she liked a bunch of the stuff on the cd which made me happy.
also, my brother didnt get in to uni, which is tragic because hes so intellegent and would love it so much. i hope he gets in next year.
wish me luck at beloit.
- posted by Caitlin @ 10:18 PM |

 
all you need is love
sigh. i hate it when i do everything i can and things still dont work out. its frusterating.
i had to babysit my brother, so i just spent all night watching queer as folk. it was lonely.
tomorrow im off to beloit to try and make a final choice and im worried about it.
- posted by Caitlin @ 11:35 PM |

 
i thought there was a virtue in always being cool
today i went prom dress shoppping with batia. sadly, no dresses were found.
i also read my great-great-grandfathers' autobiography, which was insanely cool. its been sitting around on my floor for years, but i finally read it today.my family is so wonderful. he studied at yeshiva and spoke five languages(his autobiography was written in yiddish) and lived in argentina for a while. he was also a socialist, which i think is awesome. my grandfather was briefly mentioned. my dad says theres a four-generations picture of him and his dad and grandfather and then selman(whos autobiography it is), and i really want to see it.
i need to do some work this weekend, but i dont know when i will.
- posted by Caitlin @ 6:00 PM |

 
those cats are fast as lightning
i seem to have overcommited myself next week. damn, i dont know what to do. i need to make this weekend good.
today me and max talked with mr sutton about going to mississippi. im really excited. i cant believe that i had doubts about whether i wanted to do this, because i really want to be there right now. and im glad im not going to college next year. im sad that we wont be there all year, though. maybe i can recruit someone to be down there the second half of the year with me... mr sutton said that the first 4 or 5 months are when people are always really depressed, and so leaving after that wouldnt be as good. and plus, we wouldnt be there for the uni habitat trip. oh well. 4-5 months is better than nothing.
i also talked to lisa about where to go to college. not much progress was made, though it was helpful. maybe by tuesday ill know.
im gonna go outside and stick my feet in the pond and hope for the best.
- posted by Caitlin @ 4:44 PM |

 
so for you this is just a good time but for me this is what i call life
yay! i get to stage manage big show! :)
ive been working on my last words for the last several hours and i just got an email saying they werent actually due untill monday... which is good because i didnt really want to turn in what i had, but i could have been doing my homework.
i also need to bake cookies for fiesta friday.
so i have a college visit(beloit) set up for monday, and when i come back ill totally have a decision(maybe)
mostly i just want prom! prom prom prom. ive been looking at pictures of dresses online. anyone who wants to see beautiful dresses- go to www.jessicamcclintock.com and click on 'jessica mcclintock' on the top bar and then on 'special occassions'. oh, the dresses are just too beautiful. ive found all these prom websites(yes, i know, im a dork), and theyre really weird. they make such a bigger deal out of it than we all do, and theres all this stuff like prom etiquitte, and its just strange. such a different universe than our prom.
but oh im looking forward to it.
- posted by Caitlin @ 10:23 PM |

 
i must fill out my papplication...im a popeful
heehee.
i just watched the daily show.
i also had a long(ish) talk with my father dearest about college. i still dont know where to go, though soon(possibly monday) im gonna visit beloit again and go to a class.
on the beloit message board someone replied to my 'describe yourself' post. and also the two other girls who are deciding between beloit and bard responded to me and said i could email them. yay! i probably wont, though...
- posted by Caitlin @ 11:05 PM |

 
i want your love, dont want to borrow
i have a date to prom, oh yes indeed i do.
that and nina simone and the pretty sun are putting me in a good mood.
day of silence was good. frusterating a little, but that didnt really stop anything( i totally had my sign language ready, btw).
in anthro we watched a really sad movie about little old jewish people.
but back to happy stuff.
im babysitting my little bro tonight. itll be cool. hes doing the day of silence, but hes not gonna talk all day. hes still not talking(thouh he accidentally said hi when we walked in the door). i only have to do minimal, fun work tonight.

YAY!
- posted by Caitlin @ 4:58 PM |

 
everybody was kung fu fighting
well, im in a good mood :-)
i didnt really accomplish what i had hoped to today, but i think good things will happen anyway.
also, thanks to friends who still like me even when i act like an idiot.
in seminar we started watching easy rider, and i still like it(suprise!) me and mr sutton sang to 'the weight' and i told him about how it was my most favorite song. but i think a lot of people in the class dont like it. tsk tsk.
i also went to the big show audition and it was fun. i told a failed joke, but thats ok. dan athertons little brother was there. weird.
anyway, tomorrows the day of silence... yay.
- posted by Caitlin @ 6:23 PM |

 
take a load for free
sometimes i feel like i havent grown up at all. like i havent yet gotten over issues that i should have gotten over five years ago. it makes me feel like an idiot, and like its almost too late to do anything about at this point.
certain things in my life right now are really stressful, like college, but also other stuff.
speaking of college, im really unsure. one moment im like 'im going to bard. definatly. its the obvious choice', and then a few seconds later think 'no way, id obviously be haooier at beloit. thats where im going' i hope i can visit beloit again soon and go to a class and stuff. and im talking to lisa on friday. i talked to mr rayb today about colleges with ayesha, and it was helpful but not decision-making.
ive discovered the bard lj and the beloit admitted-student message board. theyre both pretty cool, but the beloit message board is much more friendly. that fits in with my impression of the school, but it could also be because its soley devoted to incoming students, so everyones trying to make friends before they get there. there are all these threads on the message board like 'what are your favorite movies' which are really fun because you can show of your good taste (i totaly do that. a lot). also there are threads like 'introduce yourself', and you get to make yourself sound really attractive. theres this one guy from mississippi who sounded cool. and there was a girl who was deciding between beloit and bard, which made me happy to know that there were other people with exaclty the same weird two-college list.
anyway, i must try to read beloved and hope for the best.
- posted by Caitlin @ 11:26 PM |

 
hey, bungalo bill
i have gotten sucked into the bard lj, and i still have to do that english proposal thing. ill probably just end up bsing my way through it and shell give me a terrible grade.
in the meantime, i would like to share with you a wonderful story by borges

The Plot
To make his horror perfect, Ceaser, hemmed about at the foot of a statue by his friends' impatient knives, discovers among the faces and the blades the face of Marcus Junius Brutus, his ward, perhaps his very son- and so Ceaser stops defending himself, and cries out Et tu, Brute? Shakespeare and Quevedo record that pathetic cry.
Fate is partial to repetitions, variations, symmetries. Nineteen centuries later, in the southern part of the provence of Buenos Aires, a gaucho is set upon by other gauchos, and as he falls he recognizes a godson of his, and says to him in gentle remonstrance and slow suprise (these words must be heard, not read): Pero, che! He dies, but he does not know that he has died so that a scene can be played out again.

ah, borges, how much i love you.
my throught is sore from last night. must get to work.
- posted by Caitlin @ 11:15 PM |

 
and the beat goes on
damnit. things are not looking good and i think i lost something that doesnt belong to me.
- posted by Caitlin @ 1:18 PM |

 
so shes taking lots of vitamins
the show is over, and it went pretty good. at the cast party we played the funnest game ever, wink. i have rug burns to beat all rug burns, but i really want to play it again soon. it makes me wish i was a unitarian.
things again did not go as hoped tonight, but i got cheered up(thank you) and told a really funny story, and it made me happy.
tomorrow is homework day.
- posted by Caitlin @ 2:53 AM |

 
shes gotta discipline her body
oh, today did not turn out quite as i had hoped, but it was fun. tomorrow, perhaps?
the scene changes in the show were awful, among other things; there were a lot of mistakes. but apparently people didnt notice them (or maybe they were just being polite). i had fun dancing backstage, and i got to frolick today(yay) and also sing 'blister in the sun'.
there was some akwardness today(eek), but also explinations, so that was nice.
- posted by Caitlin @ 1:25 AM |

 
hes just an inch too sure of himself for me
today i wore a pretty skirt and felt cute.
i also really screwed up the play. the actors were all good, but i felt like i just did one stupid thing after another. like when i accidentally walked across stage during a scene change and touched nothing. and when i called nick kareem. and many other things. i hope no one noticed. but the play was good other than me. hernandos hideway made me crack up so much backstage, anna is hilarious.
in anthro today we were supposed to have something posted on the internet for homework, but me and about 5 other people all forgot,and then he made us go up and show the class what wed posted, and i felt bad.
hillarys article on habitat is totally good, and she mentions maria, which makes me incredible happy. i hope that when i go back to mississippi, i see her again. i probably wont, but she was just the best.
also, i think the DI was lying when they said theyd publish my letter. im really upset.
- posted by Caitlin @ 10:56 PM |

 
shes giving a sailor a very affectionate squeeze
batia cracks me up in the show.
i have high hopes for future things and i really hope they dont get crushed. things like that always happen to me.
anyway, i think that the scene changes for the show are just going to suck and thats that.
also i want to go visit beloit again, soon. they have an admitted students open house; maybe i should go.
- posted by Caitlin @ 11:01 PM |

 
if nothing ever changed, thered be no butterflies
remember how a couple of days ago i was saying that dan wasnt really all that bad and i didnt see why everyone hated him? yeah... now i see. hes aggravating me because he wont let me move things during scene changes, so i just have to stand around and be like 'whres so-and-so, who should be moving this', instead of moving it myself. he told me i should abuse my power. before we started practice, he told me to go get sompeople, and i asked why, and he said 'to move these tables', and i was like 'but i can move them... im not doing anything' and he said 'no', but i did anyway. grrrrr.
lately ive been in this mood where everything makes me really sad. the movie we're watching in anthro is really sad, and all this other stuff is just really tragic. i need something to cheer me up. i also felt really sick today during practice. hmm, i wonder what my body could be telling me...
im carrying around an incredible amount of paper in my pockets. most of them are nots and stuff for the show, but some of them are really nice things that make me happy.
- posted by Caitlin @ 11:11 PM |

 
hernandos hideway olay
man have i got a good stamp album for mrs ridenhour
i watched the last half of the game, and sorry to all of my illin fan friends. i was rooting for them; at least it was close.
did you know that our next pope might be jewish? im totally not making this up.
- posted by Caitlin @ 11:23 PM |

 
i would trust her...
i think im the only person in all of champaign-urbana not watching th game right now.
today batia gave this really yummy 'white chocolate with filling in the flavor of cheescake' that was delicious and i ate it very slowly all day. it made me happy. i love candy.
i talked to lisa about college and i went to the brown bagger about choosing a college, and during 5th we sat outside and read college books. but i still dont know. i asked billy k vaughn and he said definatly bard, that it was a no brainer, but i dont think it is a no brainer. grrrrrrr. i really dont know what to do.
i took lots of notes during the play and its very hectic and i know im gonna forget tons of stuff and the play will be completely ruined.
- posted by Caitlin @ 9:16 PM |

 
turn on tune in drop out
ugh. i just finished my paper. i will be dead tomorrow, and i didnt even do any other owrk. i just heard the garbage man come. this si bad. i got distracted by a website about LSD and then one of my books. im not really feeling tired right now; its been weird writing a paper about timothy leary and all this crazy stuff in the middle of the night . anyway, expect me to be very tired tomorrow.
- posted by Caitlin @ 2:09 AM |

 
you will know from the way that i shout it
ah, the stuffing of food and pondering of college continues.
im really feeling thats lost hour, because i had a lot of stuff to do today, but blew it of untill now.
i went to rehersal, and i had way to much to do. it was confusing and i was bad at delegating. and that dan guy, who everyone has told me not to like, told me what i should be doing, which was actually pretty helpful because i had no idea. i feel like im going to mess things up. but dan didnt seem too bad to me; just a little bossy.
then i watched the game, which the yankees won thankfully. and tino came back, which was nice.
now i have to write a paper and read beloved and type up scene changes.
(a note: if i went to bard, i could take a class called "the death penalty and how to stop it" :-) )
- posted by Caitlin @ 10:39 PM |

 
my real names ted hitler
i just got wait listed at wesleyan and accepted at bard. so, um, i dont know what im gonna do.
i ended my fast, and it was wonderful. i ate so much, and i did buy oreos, and they are wonderful. and our sleepover was really fun (sorry you couldnt come, kinz), and it took my mind off the food thing.i actually wasnt really that hungry for most of the time- i just missed food. but then we got to eat and ive been stuffing myself ever since.
i went to the crew day for the play and ive been trying to organize the scene changes, but i have NO IDEA how to do it. really. ive just been sort of assigning things to people randomly, because i dont know things like where people exit and enter and blah blah blah, and i also dont know what two of the scene look like, because i havent seen them (hernandos hideway? eagle hall? whats onstage for those scenes?) i hope the play will be good.
i was just looking at my parents year books and they are quite adorable.
- posted by Caitlin @ 8:47 PM |

 
id cry, but id have to put a condom on my face
so i got rejected from swarthmore and waitlisted at uchicago. im so so nervous about my last two colleges... this is the most stressful thing ever. i spent all of today dreding coming home because i was afraid id get rejections from bard and wesleyan. im unbelievably nervous right now. ive been sitting around weighing my pros and cons from the colleges points of view.
in other news, im now 11 hours in to my fast( actually, 11 and a half). its goin pretty well, but im looking forward to our 30 hour famine sleepover. ive realized that i dont know what to do without food. its not that im especially hungry right now- i just dont know what to do with myself. after school i ALWAYS get some sort of snack. and at sleepovers you ALWAYS eat lots of junk food. its so weird. and ive also been thinkign about all the junk food i want to eat after 1 tommorow. im thinking my easter bunny. and oreos. and pepsi. oooh, i want to eat so much!
- posted by Caitlin @ 6:31 PM |